Posted By Goddess on December 6, 2007

Many people do not understand my relationrelationship(s). Some revile it.

I sometimes find myself trying to come up with ways to explain it, not because I feel I need to make explanations, but because I want myself to be better understood. Maybe even less reviled.

This morning, for whatever reason, I was thinking of my relationship with Robert and how it’s so different in some ways than what I have with Will. It made me think of how different of a person I am now compared to who I was years ago. When I was raising Amber I was very young and ignorant about many things. I didn’t understand myself very well, so it was hard for me to understand the best way to foster another person’s personality. I did all the things a mother is supposed to do, that I knew of at that age anyway. Everything I was capable of in the anemic state my spirit seemed to suffer, it was hard to nurture as wholly as I should have.

I think my “marriages” are like that too. I had to learn a lot in my relationship with Robert. I was just barely nineteen when we met. I had a three-year-old daughter. I was poor. I had an eating disorder. When I met him, I wasn’t a whole person. I was very needy. Clingy even. I can still be that way sometimes. Old habits die hard, I guess.

By the time I Jade I was still suffering from a lot of self-esteem issues, but I was slowly coming out of it. Robert and I suffered a lot of ups and downs as a couple, some his fault, some mine - some just a result of both of us not being real grown-ups when we met and for quite a while into things. No matter what though, we both felt each was a part of the other and neither of us could imagine life without the other. Jade was still very young when I started to open up and shuck off a lot of layers of negativity. Amber was already a tween. My insecurities and self-esteem issues would be mirrored in some of Amber’s behavior later and my later confidence and openness would be reflected in Jade. I think this is a direct result of who I was and where I was at during those early tween years.

By the time I met Will I was in ful-on goddess mode. I was open to the universe and did NOT care who thought I was too fat or too weird. I was absorbing many pleasures around me from wonderful cocktails I’d never tried and people I was to shy to talk to. I kissed a lot of people. All of this happened right in front of Robert and he had a lot to do with helping me come out of my shell. He never stopped telling me how beautiful and smart and talented I am. I just never believed him, until one day - I did. That energy flooded me and I felt like moonlight was shining out of every pore of my body. People started to be attracted to me more than I ever remember - men and women both. When I was at the height of this frenzy of goddess energy Will and I were at the same party - a party my family had left an hour before and allowed me to stay behind with my friends a bit longer. I don’t know if Robert ever feels a weird regret about that day or not. I think maybe he used to, but these days we are all family.

I forget how weird it is to people. I omit it from conversations sometimes, not because I am ashamed but because I don’t feel like trying to explain things over and over all the time. If I am very comfortable with a person I might talk about it, if they ask, because honestly I forget to talk about it most of the time, because it’s not new and strange to me anymore.

Robert has been by my side since I was really just a child. He made some mistakes with me, like all new parents do, but he loved me and I knew it even if I didn’t believe I was worth loving. Robert and I fall into old habits sometimes. Bickering even the occasional jealousy (pretty rare, but it does happen) and sometimes we don’t listen to what we are saying to each other and react badly because we are hearing Robert or Heather from fifteen years ago. Relationships are tough to navigate sometimes. I’m glad Robert and I have continued our voyage. I love being a parent with him and standing by his side. He’s smart and very funny and goofy and damned good-looking - I’m proud of him and I’m lucky to know him. That doesn’t mean he’s perfect - hell, I know this will surprise you but I’m not perfect either - but accepting flaws of the people we love is how we love them better - it’s part of what loving is.

I feel that the Heather I am now is the second child. That is the way with my relationship with Will too - we were both more fully formed people when we met. We have no old bad habits to fall into to.

You don’t love your second child more than your first. You love both of your children un-conditionally and with all of your heart. There are just different ways to love them and some of the way you love them has to do with the way they love you too.

The healthier you are as a person the better lover, parent, friend you can be. It’s not just some cliche, it’s true and it’s worth working on yourself to experience that sort of joy and whole love for both yourself and the people who love you.

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