Posted By admin on January 31, 2006

I?ve never been one to stagnate. At least I try not to.

I am, at times, immobile. I am, at times, depressed.

However, I will jump off an emotional cliff in a heartbeat, when my heartbeats tell me to.

I want to be highly evolved.

I want to love wholly and selflessly.

I am a fragile creature. Parts of me moreso than others. One tiny piece in a glass menagerie. Perhaps something with spun tendrils winding their way from a thicker core. My tendrils could easily chip and even break off completely, but the core is still there, thick and strong.

That?s how I feel sometimes. Solid at my center. Sure. Strong. Certain, in most things.

On the outside and on the surface, however, there is a tempest swirling.

I want to be highly evolved.

I want to love wholly and selflessly.

This is my mantra. My affirmation.

I am a woman who has been through many traumas. I am still a little girl inside, at times. I used to be more little girl than woman, but now I can say that has changed. At least I think it has. At times like this is when I wonder. That angry little girl, she doesn?t like sharing. She doesn?t like it when she doesn?t get her way. But she is also sweet and innocent and easily wounded and at time she weeps inside of me, still.

I want to be highly evolved.

I want to love wholly and selflessly.

I am many things, I think, but I do not believe anybody would accuse me of being stagnate. Of being boring. There is something to be said for bland. It?s safe. It harbors sure things that don?t wound. The bland don?t bleed and the bland don?t suffer and the bland don?t care about integrity. But the bland also will never know the greatest joys of deep desires and angry love and aching beauty and the swells of connection that can exist between passionate people.

Is it better to be bland and safe and emotionally ?unharmed??

Is it better to be passionate and loving and emotionally wounded?

Sometimes the uncertainty of life overwhelms me and I wish I could just fall asleep and never wake up. The uncertainty can be frightening.

But that cannot change. I can only try to accept those uncertainties and still love and ache and get angry and feel hot passion and deep desire and express my emotions, whether through tears, yelling, throwing things or quiet thoughtful peace.

All I can do is imagine of the kind of person I want to be.

I want to be a highly evolved person who is capable of loving wholly and selflessly.

I do not know if I can do it. I can only try.

Categories: Poetic Thoughts
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