Posted By admin on March 23, 2005

I don't remember ever having been this ill this long.  Going on day 12 now, I think.  I suppose I'm fortunate that I'm not ill all of the time.  I'll tell you what, being this ill makes me appreciate being healthy.

Even though I am recovering, I still feel short of breath and tight in my chest if I get a little stressed, cry or talk too much.  It takes all of my energy just to pick Jade up from school.  I actually went to the post office today and a quick trip to the grocery store.  I suppose that's progress, even if I did feel like I had just run a marathon in only doing those small chores.

I slept most of today, which is good since I didn't sleep for three days last week.

I was in a very bad mental state Friday and Saturday. Some of it could have been the steroid and other meds I'm on.  My doctor gave me Zoloft to try for my panic disorder.  I haven't started taking it yet, but I know how horrible the fear feels and I want to find a way to make it go away.  I felt that way Friday night and Saturday night. Everything felt desperate, sad, death, dark, disperaging.  It's times like that that I can understand why disturbed people kill themselves.  If I had to be in a state of mind like that on a daily basis, and had all of those dark thoughts all of the time, it would be too much, I would kill myself too.  It's unbearable to feel that dark for so long with no end in sight - hours are days with blackness stretching out in front of you and no end…and it's so hard to explain to people who have never been in such a state.

I watched the new show “Intervention” - it was so amazingly dark and well done.  I really related to the girl named Tamela - I'd never seen the way I've felt so well conveyed in any format and put up like that for the world to see.  I am not sick like that any more (at least not that sick, I have my moments still) and I didn't cut myself - she is a cutter - I had an eating disorder, but her pain and the way she felt about herself really came through in that show and I felt like the world could now maybe glimpse into what it's like to hate yourself so much and be in so much pain.  When she hits the mirror and chants at herself - god it reminded me of my dark days - sitting in the bathroom, rocking in the dark, pulling my hair, looking at myself in the mirror and saying horrible things to myself.  I'm glad I've learned to cope with and overcome most of the feelings that put me in that place.

Right now I'm just coping with this damn respiratory illness.  I'm just glad to be alive today.

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