Posted By admin on October 19, 2004

There are many things I worry about.

I worry about bad things, usually I worry about them happening to those I love, but sometimes I worry about them for myself as well.

I feel it well up inside, that sense of impending doom.  Words, worries, dangers, swirl around inside my busy little brain:

Mad cow disease

Kidnappers

Child molesters

Home invasion robbery/rape/murder

Influenza

Bacterial meningitis

Cancer

Heart disease

Dissecting Aortic Aneurism

Deep Vein Thrombosis

Car accidents ? having jackasses on the beltway plow into me mostly

Fevers

Vomiting

Terrorism

Serial rapists

Serial murderers

Bridges ? YES bridges ? Okay, yes, I?m afraid of BRIGES.  I started having nightmares about them when I was about 18.  Bridges made of plastic wrap you had to be careful not fall through, hurrying across so that the plastic didn?t have enough time to stretch a hole into it, dropping you into the perilous dark water.  Bridges that were only two metal ribbons which were more like roller coasters with their curves, turns and rises, you had to match your wheels on your vehicle up and be VERY VERY careful not to let a wheel slip off, and there was no safety back up, you just had to NOT drive off ? the water below these bridges was always VERY far down, dark and turbulent.  I also would dream of bridges that weren?t complete, you would have to jump over, either yourself or your car and some that you had to have a special floating car to float from one portion of done bridge to another portion.  I always felt my car wouldn?t float.  I wonder if I died in a bridge accident in a past life.

I try not to let these strange anxieties ruin my life.  I have been struggling with anxiety for years, but it seems in recent months it has gotten the better of me, causing me to worry every day about something.  Not a day goes by that I don?t fear the worst about SOMETHING.

I try to think of people who seem to be very relaxed and don?t worry like I do and look to them as inspiration.  I have a friend, Sweetie, who seems to have a healthy attitude towards life.  She takes problems as they come, not seeming to dwell on what might be around the bend.  I know a woman, she?s really Will?s friend Kim, but I like to think she might start to consider me a friend, she lost her mother recently ? she was focused on the joy that her mother was to her, rather than the sadness of the loss.  She was brave and together and I admire that sort of strength.  When I have a melt down type of moment, when I feel panic coming on and know in my mind that there is no real danger, I try to think of strong women like them and find perspective.

I also try to think of the many people who have lived through so many difficult things, and yet they are here, alive, enjoying life and living fully. 

I want to feel the wind and smell autumn?s scents of burning wood and leaves, pumpkin spice and hear the leaves rustling around on the pavement.  I want to live and love and enjoy that which has been so wonderfully placed in my life and not worry so much.

Where I will get this strength from I do not know ? but like all of my life has been seeking of many things, this is my next challenge I plan to meet eye to eye and reason with.  If my fears won?t be reasoned with, then I will have to find the strength to banish them.

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