Feeling Very Mortal
Posted By admin on June 9, 2004
I tried to go to bed?and fall asleep. It is after all
I should have known better.
When I was a child and I had to go to bed when I wasn?t sleepy all sorts of things would run through my mind?most of them horrible. Like my father getting his fingers stuck in the pool drain and drowning or how I would feel if my cat died or was hurt by the boys who were supposedly sticking fire-crackers inside of cats or hitting them against walls by their tails.
Tonight I am feeling that way. Choked by thoughts of losing those around me. So aware that death is waiting at the end of my path?and there is nothing I can do about it. Though when I think of the saddest things, they are of things like how will Amber and Jade feel when I die, because I don?t want them to hurt. Will I be able to go on when Robert dies?if he is first? Will? What sort of pain will that bring and how fresh will it stay and for how long? Will it be quick? Will it be slow and horrifying?
Usually my thoughts are of burglars and rapists and kidnappers ? but those are the things that might never happen to you. Death WILL happen to you?and the ones you love?and there is nothing in this world you can do about it.
I laid down next to Jade?her body so warm and snuggly?and she threw a leg over my leg and cuddled her head to me. That?s when it all became so real that I would hurt her some day with my death?and what do I tell her? I will try to say something wise like, ?Just think of me?and I am alive.? And other such things?maybe I will do some Zen research on the subject. Maybe it will help me find peace.
Mostly I blame this mood on recent illness?mine and Jade?s ? and Amber leaving ? and my Dad forcing Amber and Adam to go to church?but mostly those stresses on top of my regular stresses?and they are making me thin, emotionally. And unhealthy. I have eased up on the sugar and fat and tried implementing a little more exercise. I wished I had Sweetie?s resources to do those things?Yoga and Pilates?I wish. She always looks so healthy and child-like impish. It?s hard for me to imagine her throwing herself on the bed while Jim is trying to sleep and crying all over Jim and blubbering, ?You?re gonna die some day!?
I wish I had the strength to just embrace death as much as I TRY to embrace life?but I feel sometimes my grip is weakening. I have to devote so much mental power just to my life schedule?it?s exhausting at times?and counterproductive?and stressful.
I suppose Will?s talk of life insurance may have helped this particular subject along. I will probably call and wake him, even though I am trying not to. Just to hear his voice and know he?s alive. I?ve already bothered Robert?and after he comforted me, I left the room to blog?and try to exorcise this demon.
I wish I could be like Gimli in Lord of the Rings ? he?s so full of bravado?gusto?lust of life and what it means to be living and just ready for the battle and ready to go down, in flames if necessary. What does it feel like to be that happy and full of life?s passion and courageous? How do you get to be that brave?
I don?t tend to go around thinking these things all of the time. It just strikes me now and then. ?You?re going to die some day.? Just like that. And when it?s dark and quiet like it is right now it makes me wonder why I get up every day. Why write? Why paint? Why love? It?s all going to be for naught because you are going to die and hurt people when you do?and the people you love will die and that will hurt you.
I have these moments. Moments like this where I am all or nothing. Where I am now or never. Where I am feeling like the next morning won?t come and each minute is an hour and each hour is a tiny eternity.
Sometimes feeling is too hard. Sometimes being depressed just happens?but in my case I think it?s brought on by stress and messed up sleep patterns.
Typing has made me a little sleepy. I think I will try to go to bed?and sleep?and to perhaps dream something full of hope and acceptance of my mortality.
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