Posted By admin on April 27, 2004

Babies have been on my mind the last couple of days.  It all started three days ago when I went to Ikea with Robert and this cute dad was pushing a cart around (no mom in sight) with a little girl sleeping in the big part of the cart.  She was probably two and sound asleep on her blanket.  Even when while in the ?As Is? section Robert dropped the metal part of the bottom of a chair he picked up the loud clang didn?t wake her.  The dad jokingly says, ?It costs $15 less now!?   

Then the dad walked past us again while we were at the check-out.  As he passed I could see a little baby seat in the upper portion, the baby was looking around and kicking her little feet.  Robert said, ?It?s hard for me to leave them in the seat, I always want to hold them?if we would have had twins I would have been like this (holds his arms like he?s holding two babies) all of the time and wore myself out!?  I laughed

The next day we found out that a person we know who is adopting a baby, that the mother is actually having TWINS!!!  What a blessing!  And a LOT of work!

I have a baby aura right now.  I think part of it is because Amber is leaving home.  I stood in the doorway of her bedroom last night and watched her and her boyfriend packing her things?I just wanted to watch and think, but my presence bothers her?basically my existence annoys her?and she said, ?Ok, you can leave now.?  She started to shut the door in my face?her boyfriend Adam tried to keep her from doing it, I don?t think he likes to see her disrespecting me like that, but she moved his hand and he didn?t challenge her?and she shut the door on me.  I went to my room and shut my door and lay on my bed looking out of the window.  I felt sort of helpless.  It reminded me a lot of the way I felt when I would lay on my bed when I was pregnant with her?fifteen?scared?feeling helpless and looking out of the window, wondering what the future held.  I think this is where my baby feelings are really coming from.  The sense of loss, not only because she is moving, but because she doesn?t include me in her life.  The way she doesn?t want to include me in her life.  The way she can?t wait to get away from me.  I try to think what I do that is so wrong.  What about me is so annoying to her.  She seems most annoyed when I do not tell her what she wants to hear.  I try to tell her that I tell her the truth about things because I respect her.  It seems that my opinions are not regarded as anything valuable?her teachers?her friends?everybody else?s opinions about life matter?.but not mine.

Babies get sick.  I have a hard time when I?m pregnant.  Babies are expensive.  I gain too much weight when I?m pregnant.  Babies are time consuming.  I have to pee every ten minutes when I?m pregnant.  Babies are demanding.  Being pregnant is exhausting.  Babies send me into ultra-worry mode.

Sigh?I don?t know what to make of all of this.  Having a baby in my life would just make things even MORE complicated!

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