Posted By admin on March 17, 2004

If (when?) I write the story of my life?well, lets be real, I write it as I go most of the time in case you haven?t been paying attention (or just don?t give a holla, yo).  I from time to time ponder what people would think of me if they knew my whole story. 

I decided that they would see me as the villain.

I think people closest to us, they know we are happy, but all others, and  -  well  - MAYBE even some of them think I?m not a very nice or at least noble person.

If I am the Villain ? in my story, what are the other characters?  Robert ? the kicked around hero and Will the victim?

I sometimes try to step outside of myself to see what others might take away from us by only the most basic of knowledge of us.

Robert?s parents haven?t spoken to him for almost a year ? it will be a year in a couple of weeks.  They are mad at me.  I?ve called his mom twice.  I called his dad once.  I emailed his sister.  We sent holiday gifts.  Nothing.

The sad thing is the mentality of it all.  That his parents and my parents could be mad at Robert because he doesn?t ?MAKE ME? not do these things.  Doesn?t anybody else see the flaw in this thinking?  What would MAKING ME not do things that others find upsetting and inappropriate and unconventional do for my marriage?  What do others have to do with any of that?  They don?t wake up in the morning to Robert?s sweet face.  They don?t look at his hands and know all of the moments of pain they have relieved and pleasures they have brought and how precious a treasure they are to me.  They have not been with him through the hardest of financial and emotional woes and come out of it on the other end close lovers who can?t bear the thought of parting from one another.  That kind of love is not the kind that MAKES anybody do anything.  It comes from a much deeper place.  It comes from a place where the person you loves happiness is paramount and their heart is bound to you and you KNOW it.

People that love us?or say they love us?or SHOULD love us by the nature of the fact that they are our family, should accept us as we are.  To trust our decisions.  Though I admit my mother may have problems comprehending and approving of all of this she is always kind to Will, includes him in dinner when she invites us out and such.  I don?t suppose my father would approve of that, but at least he?s talking to us.  He did make a concerted point to ignore Will the first time they were in the room together.  This upset Robert quite a bit since Robert doesn?t like anybody he?s close to to have their feelings hurt.  Will assured Robert that he wasn?t hurt, but rather felt bad for my Dad that he was so bothered by all of it.  They are just the two most wonderful men I?ve ever known.  When you get to the kernel, you can see how we make it work.

When people look at it with a glance, they probably see it as me receiving all of the benefits.  That Robert and Will are victims.  I see it that way too sometimes.  Guilt was my closest friend and steadfast foe for almost a year.  It was never an easy thing.  It takes work, like any good relationship.  Tears daily.  Fighting with my own fairytale ideas about love.  Trying to hold onto withering ideas that we are conditioned to believe as the ideal love and situations that often don?t last but are considered the ?proper? way to love.

Who decides what is the proper way to love?

I noticed that this man who murdered his nine family members is in the headlines described as a ?polygamist? ? why does that matter?  Murdering Polygamist we heard on tv the other night.  On the AIM.Com pop up this morning says ?Polygamist Killed His Kids? - Like the ?crime? of polygamy was only second to the murder and worse than the incest.  He's a murderer.  That's the point they should be concerned with.  Sigh. 

Then there is this TOTALLY FOOLISH NONSESNSE about trying to put an amendment in our SACRED CONSTITUTION banning same-sex marriages.  Loopholes I see:  A religion starts up that includes same sex marriages.  Will we then have an amendment that start to ban certain aspects of religions?  What about sex-changes?  What if a person gets a sex change operation and they were a man and they are now a woman, now are they ?legally? a woman and can marry a man?  There are SO MANY things wrong with this whole theory.   Heterosexuals have the right to marry and divorce over the stupidest things.  I think homosexuals should have that right too!  It really gives me this slimy creepy feeling to think that something banning loving unions would actually be in the US Constitution.  It makes me think of things like when women had no rights, when blacks had no rights, like when the Japanese Americans were put into interment camps.  How could anybody think that it would be American to make it a LAW that would take away the free choices of Americans?  After all, aren?t they created equal in the eyes of the law?  Don?t they have the right to the pursuit of happiness?

I guess now I see all of these little and LARGE ironies in a different way.  Now it?s much more personal.

Here?s an idea, let?s just love.

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